The Beauty And Sadness of Life

Linus and his Gam watching the world

Look out about you, what do you see. You see the world, you see people and animals, you see places and things...you see life! Life - its here, its happening, its us. Over the last two months (more than actually) our little family, and extended family, has seen its fair share of life. Some of it was expected, some very much not...but, alas, it is life and every moment we are learning to cope with it as it comes to us.

In May, on the rainy 21st day, we went to St. Mary's Medical Center in Walla Walla to welcome our newest addition. At 11:23am, we welcomed Wyatt Ramsey Wyrembelski into this world and into every fiber of our being. 

Look close, you can see his head clasped in the doctor's hands

Unlike Linus, he didn't come out screaming and crying. He let out a little wimper here or there, that's it. From behind the c-section curtain I could see nothing. I had not seen him arrive and they had already whisked him to the warmer table...something wasn't right. For what seemed like endless minutes I could only here nurses saying "Come on little guy" and every once in a while the faint wimper. To my side, from the black screen of an unplugged monitor I saw the table. My little baby was being given oxygen, he wasn't breathing. But in a flicker of a moment, the fear of something being wrong was wiped clean as he exhaled into a wail. Oh glory be, did we love to hear those lungs work!

A couple hours old

I couldn't wait to hold my new little boy. I couldn't wait to introduce Linus to him. And most of all, I couldn't wait to start our journey together as a family! (Linus was way more excited about his new brother than we ever could have imagined!)

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In the next weeks, we had visits from friends and even family. We grew to know our little Sugsie Beans. We found ourselves to be a newly born family of four and we had so much fun. (Okay, I admit, there were a few times of unfun.)

Things were moving forward brightly. But less than a month later, my grandmother, Gam as we call her, suffered a major sickness and was in ICU. She was very sick, but somehow...truly miraculously...she survived. She got better. She had a few setbacks, but kept rallying back to move forward. Her tenacity will always amaze me!

But today, due to a fluke happenstance, she passed away in the early morning hours. She had family by her side and she suffered no pain as she left this mortal land. And I can only look toward the heavens and wonder what she is seeing now.

Holding her oldest great grandson, Alexander Campbell, in 2005

Holding her second great grandson, Linus Wyrembelski, in 2009

What can I even say about my grandmother to do justice to her name and her life. I can't say enough to express her magnificence and how much she touched my heart and soul. The whole day has passed like a dream, wondering in and out of the reality of her passing. Remembering so many special moments with her. Reading Babar and Barbapapa books in the bed in the upstairs of her house. Munching m&ms in her living room. Running through her basement. I remember taking trips with her, just the drive or flight would be so wonderful to me. I remember her hugs and her smell...her smile and voice...her soft touch as she helped me to bed. My heart aches and my soul trembles in the wake of her loss. I can not bear to think of it too long. 

So for now, I will just thank God for giving me more than 34 years of life with her and for blessing me with new life in my youngest son.It is all life.

And The World Keeps Turning...

Walla Walla Corn Maze - October 2011

This has been a month of craziness and when I say that I mean that with every inch of every letter in the word craziness. Shoo! We are actually still working through it, but I feel like we can actually see an end, like there is a light blinking through somewhere.

This month actually started on September 26th when Steve went in for a Appendectomy/Exploratory Surgery. For over a year now he has dealt with a pain in his side that was nagging, uncomfortable, at times excruciating, and always present. Finally, steps were being taken to deal with the issue. They had to go in, because they had exhausted all external means of figuring the pain out, to no avail. That day they removed the appendix (which luckily wasn't inflamed) and they also removed something called a Meckel's diverticulum. Somewhat unusual, it occurs in about 2% of the population and they felt certain it had been the cause of his pain all along. Oh what great news. Now for Steve to recover and life to resume as normal...

Or so we thought...

His pain after surgery wasn't getting better. Chills and fever sweats would plague his days. Aches and pains as though he was sick would simmer under his skin. What was going on? According to the docs and surgeon he was fine. Having a harder time than most recovering, but he would be fine. Then this past Thursday he went in for another routine check up following the surgery. His temperature had gone up to 100.4 and his skin was pale. He reminded the doctors of his chills and fever sweats. They grew concerned (about time I think!). He was sent for an immediate blood panel and CT scan. And there, on that scan, was the answer to why he wasn't healing. An abscess, 6 centimeters in diameter, lurked in his abdomen right where they had removed his appendix, right beside the junction of the small and large intestines.

Checking In

He was told to return home for a quick dinner and to gather his things and return immediately to be admitted to the hospital. As a family we drove back to St. Mary's Hospital here in Walla Walla and helped Steve get admitted and find his room. A visit from our friend Alisha made the night a little more bearable. I couldn't stop worrying about what the heck it all meant. So glad she works there and could help us smile. Before Linus and I left, they were already pumping him full of antibiotics.

Staying as cheery as he can...

The next morning, right at 7am, before Linus and I could even return, they took Steve down to CT and proceeded to place a drainage tube within his abdomen that would slowly drain the abscess over several days. The doctor made note that it was good they had caught it at this time...given a little bit longer the abscess could have grown infectious enough to cause Steve to lose part of his intestines or worse. The abscess was almost the size of a tennis ball, but would slowly (hopefully) drain down to nothing. The tube looked so weird being wound about and taped to his abdomen, with a little plastic bulb at one end where all the drainage went...

the drainage system

Steve had to remain in the hospital until Saturday afternoon and when we found out he was going home I even cried with relief. (The nurses had scared us because apparently they usually make people stay in the hospital until the tube is removed.) Steve is so happy to be home. I am so happy he is home. I wish I could give him so many hugs, but we have to be careful. And Linus, more than anyone, is so happy to have his Daddy home. Though he's still walking around the house with a tube and bulb hanging out of his belly, he's in such better spirits and doing so much better already. And I daresay things feel almost close to normal again. Almost. It brings such a smile to our faces. And when I see Linus and Steve hug and smile at each other, my heart couldn't swell more with happiness.

Sunny Sunshine, Blueberry Smiles, Choo-Choo Delights

We've been doing our best to have fun lately!!! And I would say we've been at least mostly succeeding... :0)...We took Linus on a mini vacation to celebrate his 2nd birthday, finding ourselves smiling a lot in Portland, Seaside, and Cascade Locks. Of course, by the end of it, we were all three pretty exhausted and ready to be home. Why do we take vacations again? Once you have kids, vacations aren't really restful anymore. LOL

Seaside, Oregon - July 17, 2011

Once back in town, it was back to life as usual. Summer-y life that is!!! We have been having fun playing outside and visiting parks and today we even took Linus on his first blueberry picking adventure just south in Oregon.

Blueberries!!!

Linus had so much fun!!!

Steve enjoying some farm work

Linus had TONS of fun, though all three of us were sweating pretty good by the end of our time there. We were able to collect about 16 pounds worth in right around an hour. Enough to keep us well stocked for a little while at least. Linus, who never will eat a blueberry I offer him (unless well mixed into a smoothie), was devouring them and probably at about a half pound while we were there. 

Oswald has taken on the role of Train Engineer 'round these parts!!!

As well, we have been enjoying playing with toys and games inside in the cool, crisp air. Linus can't get enough of his trains and helps us build several different tracks a day. His favorite is building the tracks over the mountains and then watching the trains rush down the hills. He loves his Legos, too, and is constantly building homes, stacks, or even car garages. His cooking toys, puzzles, little people, and cars never are left out, either.

One of many railroads that cross the living room

At the end of the day, I can simply say we are enjoying the middle and end of our summer here in the Walla Walla Valley. We're catching all the rays of sunshine while we still can and spending as much time outside as we can. We're spending lots of time giving hugs to each other and being next to one another. Even Oswald has perked up and joined in our fun!!! And every night, we enjoy giving Linus loving kisses and hugs and tucking him in and reading him 5-10 books (no kidding)...It is simple and nothing special to some...but for us it is quite glorious right now!!!

The Madman With Beauty

My son is a MADMAN!!! Today someone put crazy juice in his drink. I am not sure who it was, but I'd like to have a long talk with them!

Today is my son's birthday...well, back in the state he was born in the birthday is over, but it is still his birthday here in the Walla Walla Valley. His morning was great. We had fun, he opened presents, he enjoyed some beloved Toy Story 2. We went into town and ate lunch. We visited the toy shop, Inland Octopus (very much a favorite for Linus)...

First visit to the Pacific Ocean

But this afternoon he was on fire, and not a nice warming fire...nope, an all encompassing, crazy beyond control, singe your eyebrows kinda fire. Oh my goodness, my brain was fizzled by the time we got him to bed. I am not sure how many times my voice was raised, but I am certain it was more than I would like. I am not sure how many times things whacked me in the head, arm, etc., but I am sure it was more than anyone would like. I am not sure how many times Linus took a drawer, bin, puzzle, whatever and threw the pieces far and wide. It was like 12,000 continuous tornadoes crashed through our living room and beyond. By the time it got close to bedtime, I had Steve put him to bed...I was too worn out, I just couldn't do it. But as soon as my little guy was in his room for the night, I regretted not putting him to bed. I hadn't read him his nightly stories or given him his special goodnight kiss. Maybe some will think it's silly, but I felt sad not being able to do those things. Just now, I snuck into his room and gave him a kiss goodnight. It left me with a sense of comfort that only your child safe in his bed can give you.

I am blessed by this little madman. Mad and crazy and wild as he may be, he is my little madman...And I have known him for only 2 years and I can't wait to know him for a zillion more!!!

44 minutes of being 2!!!

The Beauty of Food

Have you ever really looked at the food you eat? Have you ever really noticed the intricacies of the color of each fruit and vegetable you put to your lips? Have you ever noticed how much a vegetable changes as it grows from a vine in your backyard? Food is amazing! Food is beautiful!!!

Lately I have really been taking the time to notice the beauty of the food around me, from the fresh produce we've purchased, to the cookies I've baked, to the masterpiece of a dinner I've prepared alongside Steve. And as I take more time to notice it's beauty, the flavor is enticed. The scent of each bite is magnificent.

Tonight we made the most simple dish. Nothing spectacular going on here. But the flavor, the enjoyment, the culinary delight! It was great. Grilled salmon with garlic jasmine rice, pan-seared snow peas, and sliced plums...Simple right? But look at the beauty of the color! I just love it. I can't get enough of trying to get as much color onto our dinner plates as possible. It's like a new craze with me. A puzzle to figure out each evening. And I get excited to plan the next evenings meal...what deliciousness will we find!?!

Outside our back door we are growing tomatoes, green peppers, basil, and strawberries. Watching them ripen into existence is such a journey. A leafy sprig becomes a vine that sprouts tomatoes. Amazing!!! The strawberries magically fill with sweetness!!!

Heck, just going to the supermarket and looking through the produce aisle you find so much color. It's like if you were listening to music and each moment a new instrument was added to the symphony of sound. Each day our little family is adding a new musician in our symphony of edible music!

I just had to share how much I am truly enjoying the beauty of food!!! Thanks for reading this rather pointless post...LOL

Who doesn't love homemade pizza!?!

Practicing Hope And Joy

I know my friends are aware I have been a bit down in the dumps lately, a bit homesick (okay, a lot). But I am trying to be hopeful. I made my first steps back to hope and joy today. I took a good walk with my little guy this morning along Mill Creek's path. I tell ya, this little, not-even-two-years-old man is able to help me find the beauty of the world every single time I lose sight of it. There is hardly a way for me to stay down.

He's learned how to say cheese... :0)

It is a simply a matter of our little family is going through a lot right now. External sources of anxiety aside (which of course there are many), we are all three dealing with health issues and it has just taken a toll. Poor little Linus was finally diagnosed with asthma and allergies on June 1. We weren't really surprised, but so wished it wouldn't be true. He wakes every morning to a breathing treatment with a nebulizer and goes to bed every night with a dose of zyrtec. It sucks! But it has made him better and for that we are ever so thankful!!!

And Steve, oh my goodness has he been through the ringer with an awful pain in the side. It has existed for a year now and at present doctors are discussing performing an appendectomy. Actually, I will rephrase that...the doctors WANT to do an appendectomy, but Steve is caught up with the decision to allow it. It might be considered minor surgery (they can do it laparoscopically as an outpatient procedure), but all surgery is major!

And as for me, well I started having some issues a month and a half or two months ago and tests began...I didn't think much of it at first. Pretty sure the doctor thought it was all in my head and so I began to think it was all in my head. However, blood tests helped confirm something was going on inside this body of mine. My ANA screen (a blood test used to confirm Lupus and other autoimmune diseases) came back positive. With further testing, they found something that seemed to suggest I might have a disease called mixed connective tissue disease. If you have never heard of it before, don't worry, you aren't alone. Most haven't. It's rare. Lucky me!!! The disease is often a combination of several autoimmune diseases, most often lupus, scleroderma, and polymyositis. But it can also combine with other autoimmune diseases such as rheumatoid arthritis and Raynaud's phenomenon. It's an interesting disease with more facets than can be numbered. But, to be truthful, it is also scaring the crap out of me. Right now I am simply waiting for my appointment with the rheumatologist on August 1st, twiddling my thumbs, pretending I don't feel the pain or see weird spots on my skin or feel weakness in my legs so strong I almost topple over. Yes, just waiting.

So, this, friends and family, is why I am feeling a little down. This is why Steve is worn out. 

But, as I said, today we are practicing putting on a face of hope. Today we are smiling as though we have all the joy in the world. Because, in the end, even with all this, we do have all the joy in the world. We have Linus!!! He is our joy and our hope and our life. And it will forever amaze both Steve and I how a simple walk along a creek or a visit to the park can renew all our hope and joy!!!

Today I Miss Home

The title of this post pretty much says it all. Today I truly miss home, my heart aches, and my soul feels torn. I have been away from Michigan and the eastern side of this country for over a year now and one would think that time would have healed my homesickness by now. But, alas, it hasn't. It hasn't even dulled it. It is true, I have found so many wonderful people here in Walla Walla and I have made a nice life for myself and my family. So many good things they could hardly be numbered...but the one thing all those good things aren't...Home!

When I think about all the times Linus won't have with his family back east it makes me cry. Literally. And when I think about the fact that we will never be inside the home we lived in when he was born, the home we brought him home to from the hospital, I cry. I loved that house!

I miss my family. I feel a need to be near them, but they are 2300 miles away. Much too far to even feel close when we talk on the phone. We live in separate worlds now, separated by such a vast expanse. I never knew how alone it would make me feel. My son doesn't know his grandparents. He's met them, yes. But he doesn't know them and I worry he never will. He will only know them through photographs, fun stories, talks on the phone and the one, maybe two times he sees them each year. He will not know his cousins, aunts, and uncles any more, more likely less. Our friends will just be stories to him, he might know one or two better than that. 

Essentially, the life we had is gone. Forever. And it feels like I have actually lost a person, my best friend. And the new life we have here is not bad, its just not the old life. And Linus will grow up in a whole different world than the one he entered into in July of 2009.

My heart is in pain today. I am sure I will move forward again and out of this little slump. But, for today, it is here. And I feel sad.